[Obsessive Journal] – #001

Im starting a BARA newsletter, or something like that.

(This is sort of a test run, the real newsletter will be monthly.)

PATREON/GUMROAD

-ART

This week I managed to complete 3 illustrations despite some turbulence. Read more about that on the blog section of this newsletter.

A – The need for the [COMPLETE] tag.

Basically I had a lot of trouble with this one. Sketching went fine and I even like the body a lot. But when it came down to the face – I had a lot of trouble – like always of course!

I still struggle to draw Arslan in 3/4 as you can probably tell by the way the faces are drawn each a little bit different than the other. It’s a little frustrating – but it’s something I’m awaits striving to make better. By maybe deepening my understanding of the fundamentals or just trying to master anatomy. Face anatomy is a whole different ball park.

I tried to fix it, convince myself that everything was fine and I should just continue like normal. My first instinct was to add a nice little sky background. As Arslan is meant to be a chill and free guy. The open sky behind him represents how he views the world. As an unknowable place where anything can happen as long as you’re true to your heart.

His heart of course already belongs to Eiden.

But that part of his personality is something I will always cherish. He’s the typical shonen protagonist where something really bad happened in his life – and despite it all he decided to stop crying about and just do something about it. Through routine and self discipline he found a new place to call home despite, everything bad that happened before.

Then I went with my instincts and added some heavy blush on his cheeks – like he’s looking at his boyfriend and Eiden has those come hither eyes. But still it didn’t convince me. I even added some cell shading because I convinced myself that it looked good.

Then I went to my other favorite place with Arslan!

The Beach!

Arslan is such a beach boy – and Eiden is too. They each have their own ways of enjoying unique beach activities. But there’s always drama to be had, and adventures to explore! Through the power of Envato and photo bashing, the caustic’s and light bending even look realistic!

But of course it’s a cheat and my skill level is not there yet.

And, of course – it breaks my whole style.

Anyway ~ It didn’t’ convince me either.

I ended up with a Y2K minimalistic style. Which is very me honestly. A good vibes sticker, and cool arrows driving the eye towards Arslan himself. I left it in flat colors because – even still there was something bothering me. I wasn’t happy with it. Sometimes you just need to go to bed.

The next morning I decided to do another face study, and really try and rotate Arslan. The problem right now is his hair. I think it works really well in a front angle. The silhouette becomes very iconic and he is instantly recognizable. Except my style is anime toon town mixed with body proportions of a Final Fantasy title. At least I like to lie to myself about.

So of course he has to be pretty! That’s the number one most important thing about a Square Enix title. Everyone look like a model. And that’s obviously inspired by the art of Yoshitaka Amano. So I had to go back and fix it. I studied face proportions a little more and ended up with the final product! Even if I had to go back and redo it. Nevertheless – the final illustration is very much to my liking.

A.5 – Size Comparsion (n34w)

Finally?! Right!

I made a dick size comparsion for my OC’s!

Rejoice!

Or – judge in disgust.

Either way, here they are, the official dick size for everyone at V2. N34W drawings are Patreon exclusive.

Arslan Kai Firas – AGE 23/VERS-TOP/Doesn’t Last Very Long/Pleasure Top/Sub Bottom/17CM

Arslan has a good dick size honestly – if he starts using it right he really gives a good fuck. Some might find it disappointing – other’s just the right size. He fucks slowly and with affection. If the other person is really enjoying it, he get’s so in the moment and can’t help himself and starts shooting his load – usually breeding.

Arslan does prefer bareback – that’s why he’s all about having one partner at a time. He usually doesn’t fuck unless he knows the other guy is clean. He’s a cam whore on Grindr until people actually send him paperwork. He’s quick about asking other’s to be his boyfriend. And be exclusive to him.

As a SUB BTTM he always wants more, and enjoys someone who starts pushing him to his limit. He actually kind of prefers smaller guy, in both height and D size.

Arslan is the type of guy to send nudes at 3AM to his boyfriend. Let’s just say Eiden is very much a night owl.

Eiden Summers – AGE 21/VERS-BTTM/Last a long time/Dom Top/Bratty BTTM/13CM

Eiden is the nicest brat you will ever meet. He’s gloomy and serious until people let him open up. He’s a different person with strangers than with those that he likes. Eiden is quiet and reserved. And can be sassy and mean.

However – he’s emotionally detached from sex, seeking it out as coping mechanism. Not really caring about what other people like. He has 1 rule though. He’s not a bottom – at least that’s what he wants people to think. Eiden is all about the muscles – he couldn’t care less about the face.

He uses other guys to try and feel something. He’s a mean top through and through. There’s a rumor going around a certain gay bar. He will make you have a crazy night. And it will be the best sex you’d ever had.

Or the worst.

He will push people demanding they’d be nothing but a hole. The more jacked up the guy is – the more muscular he is. The faster Eiden might finish. Although it’s no guarantee. He likes to dominate big muscle guys – after he’s done, things get awkward quick! Eiden fumbles to get his clothes on. His though persona now replaced by a sad drunk.

It’s an experience all on its own. Eiden has a small dick, which attracts a lot of muscle men wanting to experiment. Even if the rumors are he’ll use you and leave you like roadkill.

Eiden takes but a couple of minutes to fumble his way out of even saying goodbye to the other guy. The next day he wears a hoodies and baseball cap in order to avoid eye contact with anyone he’s had an experience of the fourth kind with.

Platonic relationships – that’s another thing. He’s always the one paying. And people generally describe him as a true great and lovable friend. Even if at first he’ll glare at you with a mean bitch face – after you get to know him, he slowly opens up and anxieties drift away. Eiden loves to gossip.

For now let’s leave the rest of the crew for another week!

B. And endless expansive [dawn].

So for this one I wanted to evoke the feeling of Arslan just waking up and Eiden catches a glimpse of him feeling the fresh air and just looking overall happy and content because he is with the person he loves. And there’s nothing better in the world right now – than just being here in this moment. Not long before Eiden falls back to sleep. Eiden is a notorious light sleeper.

So him being comfortable enough to go back to sleep is a sign of affection.

Reminiscence Of An Open Blue Sky

Light does not arrive loudly.

It does not knock, nor does it ask permission. It simply is—a patient invasion that turns edges into meanings. We grow up believing light is kind because it shows us where to step, because it keeps monsters honest by forcing them into shape. But light has never promised mercy. It only promises revelation.

Look up: an open blue sky, flawless in its confidence. No seams. No ceiling. Just an endless wash of color pretending to be simple. Blue is the most convincing lie nature ever learned to tell—soft enough to soothe us, vast enough to distract us from counting how small we are. The sky opens itself like an invitation, and we call it freedom. We call it possibility. We forget to ask possibility for what.

Light pours down from that sky as if from an infinite source, and we name it hope. We say the horizon is a beginning, a line where tomorrow waits patiently. But the horizon is not a destination; it is a boundary that retreats the closer you get. It teaches us a quiet lesson: infinity does not want to be reached. It wants to be approached, endlessly.

There is something inspiring about that—this promise that there is always more beyond what we can see. Civilizations were built on that assumption. Ships launched, stories written, gods imagined. We learned to chase the glow, to trust that brightness meant safety, that clarity meant truth. Yet light does not discriminate. It reveals the path and the abyss with the same indifference.

Sometimes, when the sky is too clear, too open, you can feel it: a stillness that does not belong to peace. The blue stretches on without flaw, without witness, without end. It is not watching you—but it would not notice if something else were. That is the subtle terror hidden in beauty: the realization that perfection does not require us.

Light, in its purest form, is not warmth but exposure. It strips shadows of their secrecy, yet it also erases depth. Under a blinding sky, everything looks flatter, simpler, safer than it is. The world becomes readable—and therefore misleading. What cannot cast a shadow under infinite light? What vast thing might exist precisely because it no longer needs to hide?

We speak of the universe as expanding, as if it were growing outward for our sake. But perhaps it is only unfolding, revealing layers it never intended us to understand. The open sky may not be empty. It may be cleared. A stage swept clean long before we learned to look up, long before we learned to hope.

And still—still we walk toward the horizon. Still we let light touch our faces and convince us to move forward. Because inspiration does not require certainty. It requires courage: the courage to stand beneath an infinite blue and say, I will go anyway. Even knowing that beyond the light there may be truths too large to love us back.

Maybe that is what light truly teaches—not that the universe is kind, but that it is vast, and that meaning is something we carry into it like a fragile flame. Against the endless sky, our small brightness matters not because it conquers the dark, but because it exists at all.

And somewhere, far beyond the horizon we can never reach, something vast remains unmoved—patient, ancient, and unlit—waiting not for our fear, but for our curiosity.

After all, light always travels outward.

And so does everything that dares to look up.

C. [Sleepover] Peer Pressure

His hair came out a little weird this time around – but honestly that’s okay. It looks like he has ruffled with it a bit or like he has some type of bed head. Let’s just the whole cast host’s a slumber party and there’s some shenanigans going on because everyone took some liquid courage lol.

-PERSONAL

As for me – personally things had have become a little tense around my living situation. My black cat passed away on March of last year. And we kinda jumped the gun into adopting a new cat. But it was from someone we knew personally and apparently they let their cat’s roam free and they don’t nurture them so they are constantly having kittens at their house like all the time!

So they gave us one, and we named him Simba. Everything was fine until the stupid cat ate a chew toy. Thankfully we were able to get him to vet on time and we left him for overnight study. But unfortunately the toy was in his lower stomach basically oscillating and that’s what caused him to vomit like 5 times in a row.

Anyway he was rushed to surgery that same day, and thankfully he made it out okay. He spent the weekend at the vet just so that the scar could heal properly. And now he’s been under 24/7 surveillance with him being able to let out of his little bed every so often. We had to give him medicine. But I mean everything is fine. Anyway the whole situation is giving me anxiety or whatever i guess.

We don’t really know when he actually ate the chew toy, but we have this theory that it might actually have already been there at least for a couple of days. And only when we actually took him to the vet it was when it had gotten worse. Cat’s can’t digest it after all. Also I noticed cat’s can just die for really stupid reasons. Which had me thinking it would be fun to make something about cat’s and magic. ✨

Like there’s this evil looking character that’s always becoming the cats to come closer. And his evil nature might be something like – he hides himself because he doesn’t look like a normal human. Maybe has some type of disability or just overall ugliness that makes him undesirable. And the cats slowly trust him because he’s actually not that bad. Through the cats we get to know his daily routine and how he might have to do things differently from everyone else and how the world is the evil one for not having enough empathy. And maybe one day his call to action would be that someone burns his house down as a crime and now the cats investigate and swear revenge.

Also this stupid webtoon about a gay kid living alone and one day he goes to the shelter – but he’s very nervous about adopting a cat. And there he meets another boy and they both end up adopting two cats that bonded in the shelter’s hierarchy. And they sort of get separated. Beach each boy takes one. There’s this cat who’s a Persian and he has an eyepatch. And there’s this tricolored cat that only has 3 legs. Anyway one boy takes the Persian and the other one takes the 3 legged cat. But don’t worry they’ll meet again! Because soon they start talking and even at one point move in together! So it’s a happy ending because the Persian cat and the tricolored cat are back together. But it’s gay.